Why am I wasting time in volunteering and Community Service?

This and more such questions are posed to me, by several people including my wife.

• Why are you working for this community? 
• Why can't someone else do that work? 
• Son is in 12th std. That time you are wasting in community service, you can spend with him to help him study. 
• Why are you wasting time on people who don't care?

Several times, I've also wondered, Am I wasting my time by trying to do the impossible. We've been working for over 3 yrs now on several aspects of our life at GC and it feels like we've not made that much progress. Most of the major points to be done by the builder are still not completed. And to top it all, we seem to be fighting a never-ending battle among residents itself, sapping our already limited time and energy. Basic safety, security and health aspects are not addressed adequately by the administrators who seem to be waiting for a disaster to strike so they can get into a panicky reaction mode.

In spite of having nothing much to show for these years of work, why am I continuing to waste time and bouncing back into the fray each time after taking a break?

The answer I realise is not so easy to articulate.

1. When something is going wrong and there is even one thing I can do, to contribute to its betterment, I tend to jump in to volunteer. - Not a good trait, for me.
2. I want to live in a community where my kids can run around and play safely. Wife and family can live and move about safely. And I can travel outside without worrying about the safety of the home and family. If I have to contribute to building the systems for that, then I should. 
3. If my complex is suffering from lack of proper roads, clean potable water from a piped source, signages and systems for smooth functioning and I need to help to push it along, then I end up spending time in volunteering. Again bad for me and my time availability.
4. If the builder has cheated me and others like me, and we need to band together to get our dues and no one else is pushing it along, then I feel like jumping in to do it.

I am doing this for myself since I want the above things. People are mistaking it for selfless and charitable work. When I believe my time needs to be put elsewhere, I decide to take a break here and go after the other priorities. This again is my choice. Isn't it?

No one needs to acknowledge or pay tribute to me for doing this. At the same time no one has a right to find fault with me when I choose to stop doing volunteering work.

I've not signed up for any post or term for me to run the course.

I can choose when to give time and when not to give any more time. I don't need to explain to anyone the reason for the same. 

Volunteers don't need excessive praise or excessive antagonism. A kind word of acknowledgement of their efforts is a huge plus. Otherwise a respectful silence would be much appreciated too. 

It's time people acknowledged that volunteering is not a sacrifice but a choice. And that choice can only be taken by the individual and we don't need to praise them or criticize them for it.

An eye for an eye

We've all heard of this, "an eye for an eye".

Where did this originate from?

The principle is found in Babylonian Law.  In societies not bound by the rule of law, if a person was hurt, then the injured person (or their relative) would take vengeful retribution on the person who caused the injury. Sometime the retribution was worse than the crime, perhaps even death. So Babylonian law put a limit on such actions, restricting the retribution to be no worse than the crime, as long as victim and offender occupied the same status in society.

The modern state has constituted the law of equivalency in an attempt to limit the extent of a punishment and to discourage cruelty. The principle of this legislation is one of equivalency; that is to say, the punishment should correspond to the crime and should be limited to the one involved in the injury.

But individuals do not have to follow this law in cases where they have been slighted or insulted (as perceived by them). Since they are not seeking relief from the law, and the equivalency is only as much as they decide it is.

If a person has felt slighted or insulted in public, they might do one or more of the following:
a) ignore the slight and forgive the other person and even forget the slight
b) accept the slight but willing to forgive the person immediately or in a bit
c) vows to take revenge and seek retribution for the slight.

The first category does not care about the eye for an eye credo and has brushed the slight aside. Healthy and wise.

The second category has decided to move on and not let the slight affect their life. Healthy response.

The third category believe that it is ok to insult or slight the other person in public as well as insult them again in every opportunity that they can get. Only then do they feel they have restored the balance in their life and gained some significance in their own eyes.

It is no more an eye for an eye. They want as many eyes as they can lay their hands on. Why?
I believe that the person who was been slighted once or twice, plays this incident over and over again in their head, till they believe that they are being constantly hounded and slighted by the other person.
So insulting the other person once or twice does not adequately compensate for the injury they have undergone and they go after them again and again even to the point of completely destroying the other person and the relationship that they might have had if they were a little more forgiving.

Isn't this sad? If each of us had to go after and punish every single person who has ever slighted us or insulted us, our life will be one of vengeance all the time.

Imagine running after every dog that barks at us on the road?

We will never be able to lead our life normally again. Is this what we want?

When to let go, when to hold on?

If we get this answer right, we will be able to lead a life of happiness and joy.

These posts are meant for us to introspect and see what triggers control us and what are the drivers that makes us do what we do. 

How do we treat those who are serving us in our community?

There is a raging debate in my apartment complex whether volunteers who come forward and give their time to the community can be sensitive to criticism and resign if they feel insulted or let down.

What do you think?

Should volunteers have a thick skin and ignore all insults, criticisms and rude behaviour thrown at them by a section of residents who are vocal and vociferous?

Or are they allowed to have feelings and succumb to them and step aside from their roles?

I'm unable to buy this argument.

I believe that criticism when conveyed with sensitivity is acceptable and actually welcome. And it is not going to hurt the receiver.



However the same criticism thrown with anger and personal attacks can irreparably harm the relationship and poison the air so much that no meaningful work can be done after that.



So, why does someone then, adopt such a behavior? What could be the possible reasons that could influence someone to adopt this behavior as against a more peaceful and productive approach?

• Is it that the person is genuinely displeased with the words, actions or approach of the volunteer and does not know how else to express himself/herself? If so, there is hope that they can learn and change for the better.
• Is it that the person is hoping to intimidate and cow down the other person to prove his superiority? Is so, then it's going to be more difficult for this person to change his/her behaviour.
• Is it that the person is hoping that by such actions the other person will back down and they can have their way without any impediment to their own plans? If so, there is no hope at all.
• Is it that they are paving their way to be undisputed leaders of this tribe and call all the shots without any opposition? Absolutely no hope of any change.

Anger, one-up manship, I'm-right-you're-wrong approach, seems so tribal, animalistic and anachronistic in today's cooptive world which has coined the term win-win. Countries, companies, religions, castes, and creeds are all choosing to cooperate and work together rather than being confrontational. The world is benefiting from this change and our economic prosperity is directly linked to this new behaviour.

When will we individuals too learn to adopt this approach of living and let live so that we can all have a more peaceful, productive and happy life?

In last week's meeting an elderly person who had contributed immensely to this community in a short time was insulted and harangued by a couple of people who were much younger. At the least we should respect his age and experience. Anyone with a shred of self respect would not lower themselves in such a manner as it happened that day.

I was torn with remorse in being a spectator to this ugly sight and had to go through the motions of completing the meeting without further contributing to this pathetic drama of one-upmanship perpetrated by this small group.

What magic wand is there which can heal this group and make them tolerant and friendly with each other?